What’s Holding You Back?

My experience and observation is that the moment you decide what it is you want, what shows up is exactly what’s keeping you from having it. In other words, your decision to change exposes and triggers the true obstacle.

And more times than not, what’s holding you back is you.

Overcoming You

Most of us, observes Steven Pressfield in The War of Art, have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance.

If you’ve ever brought home a treadmill and let it gather dust in the corner, or returned home from a seminar with the best of intentions and done nothing, you know what resistance is.

The Root of Resistance

Resistance is a product of unresolved internal conflicts that hold you back. It manifests as procrastination, unproductive and unconstructive associations, addictions, drama, victimhood, excuse-making, transfer of responsibility and a variety of other self-defeating behaviors.

It shows up in your daily business as ‘behavioral incongruency’ — the persistent and destructive gap between what you say and what you do.

The Power of Identity

People fail when they try to create behavior that is in conflict with their true identify or innermost self. Most people can change temporarily, but always snap back.

Your identity or self image is simply how you describe yourself to yourself. It is the strongest force in the human personality.

It’s a combination of your beliefs about who you are, what you’re capable of, and the conscious or unconscious rules you’ve adopted to govern how you feel, what you focus on, what you will attempt, and how you respond to people, circumstances or events.

Your Beliefs are simply your sense of certainty about what is or is not true. For example, Life is…; People are…; To succeed, I must…

Your Rules are your decisions about what has to happen in order for you to feel a certain way.

For example, In order for me to feel _______________, then _______________; or Every time _______________, I_______________.

Each element of your identity is shaped, supported and strengthened over time by significant emotional experiences and your decisions about what the resulting pain, pleasure, wounds or wins mean.

Simply put, you start out alive, open, willing to love, learn, risk and grow. Along the way, life happens… the good and the bad. When something really impacts you, you make a decision about what it means. You alter your beliefs to support the meaning. Over time you develop a predisposition, philosophy or mindset that includes certain rules about what has to happen in order for you to feel a certain way. And your rules run your life.

The good news is that very little of this is permanent.

In fact, you can change your beliefs, values, rules and as a result your self image and results anytime you want.

Few people understand this.

You’ll hear most people say things like, “that’s just the way I am,” or “that’s how things are done in this type of business.” Yes, it may be true, but it’s not the truth about who you are or what’s really possible unless you decide it is.

Regardless of what happens to you in life, you are the person you consciously or unconsciously choose to be. Even if you were dragged from your home and imprisoned for 27 years, you can walk out of that prison and be elected the president of a nation. Just ask Nelson Mandela.

Remember, all lasting change begins with shifting some element of your identify.

Three Keys to Overcoming You

Here are three keys to overcoming you and therefore anything else in your life:

(1) First, take 100% responsibility for everything in your life, even if it’s not your fault.

The vast majority of people blame something or someone outside of themselves for their lack of progress or success. Their “lack of” or “struggle with” is somehow a consequence of something else, anything else, other than themselves.

But when you acknowledge the need or appropriateness of a particular change, strategy or action but do nothing about it, the inaction is much more often a product of inner, emotional resistance than external resistance.

Taking 100% responsibility puts the ball back into your court and frees you to see what’s really going on at the root of why you act in conflict with your stated goals and best interests.

Think about where you would like to be in your business or life and are not. Why aren’t you already there? What’s holding you back?

It’s OK to say “no”…

Some people commit themselves to goals, businesses and relationships in conflict with who they truly are.

Others are simply unwilling to pay the price of a certain level of “success” and are equally unwilling to admit it.

Both of these situations create internal conflict that requires self-sabotage.

Part of taking responsibility is being honest with yourself and others, giving up false objectives and freeing others from confusion about your private conflict.

Saying “no” and getting off the roller coaster can actually be one of the best things you can do. It may actually be what’s needed to help you break free from unproductive cycles and figure out what you truly want in business and life.

(2) Second, you must be willing to give up your story.

You have a story. It might be about your poor upbringing, childhood experience, your lack of education or talent or skill. It might be the economy, the fact that you got laid off, a lack of money, competition in the marketplace, your lazy employees or your unsupportive partner or spouse.

What’s your “story?”

How do you explain not being where you want to be in your business, finances or life?

Whatever your story, you own it. You are deeply emotionally attached to it, unconsciously committed, and you derive great practical and psychological value from having it and using it daily.

But if you sincerely want to get from where you are to where you want to be, at some point, you must being willing to give up your story.

Are you?

The Fear Factor

For many, their stories are a smoke screen to hide their fear. Fear of the changes required or caused by the a substantially higher level of success.

Fear they won’t fit in or will be found out or judged.

I still remember a family member who insisted that not having to pay more taxes was a good reason not to start their own business.

As insane as that may sound to you, fear is a very real part of what people hold on to their stories even when their stories no longer serve them.

Don’t let fear be your excuse.

(3) Third, you must be willing to take the bullets.

Everyone and anyone who dares change or succeed beyond the mediocre masses will not only face internal resistance, they will be confronted with very real external resistance in the form of criticism from those determined to bring you back down to earth.

Consider Oprah, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump.

I know, you’re not trying to takeover Daytime Talk, the Republican Party or New York City, you just want to grow your practice, make more money and have the freedom to take real time off away from your business. Regardless, there are haters assigned to you.

Weathering the opinions, perceptions, criticism and outright attacks hurled at you by others – along with overcoming your own secret sense of being “out of your league” – is simply part of the price you must be willing to pay for extraordinary income and success.

Coaching Questions and Notes for Action

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

Before I read this letter, how did I describe myself? What metaphors do I use, what roles do I play?

Who am I committed to becoming over the next 12 months?

Based on this commitment, which limiting beliefs must I change now?

- Ramon Williamson